Why Women Lose Self-Trust (Actually, It’s Never Lost—Just Buried)
So many women have been conditioned to outsource their power—looking to partners, parents, experts, or society for permission before trusting themselves. But true clarity doesn’t come from external validation; it comes from reconnecting with your own inner wisdom. In this post, we’ll explore why women lose self-trust (spoiler: it’s never truly lost), how fear and conditioning silence our intuition, and practical ways to rebuild confidence in your inner voice so you can stop second-guessing and start living in alignment.
Conditioning: Good Girl In, “Too Much” Kid Out
Little girls are raised to fit in a box of pleasantness, sweetness, and agreeability. Wrap it up with a bow of dress-like-this and speak-like-that and you’ve got a lovely, nice box that fits perfectly within the shelves of classrooms, sports teams, clubs, and families.
I have a distinct memory of being in my second-grade parent-teacher conference, listening to Mrs. Salladay talk with my parents. Clear as day, I recall her telling them, “I wish I had a classroom full of Callies. She is so sweet, never stirs up trouble, and is always willing to help me out.”
There it was.
The inscription was written in my mind: “be sweet. Don’t get in trouble. Always help.”
My parents were so proud to hear this. I got pats on my head and hugs and praised again and again in the days after.
Be. A. Good. Girl.
And you will be rewarded.
Don’t show anger - good girls don’t get angry.
Don’t disrupt class - good girls don’t get in trouble.
Don’t ask for something you want - good girls don’t burden others.
When young girls are rewarded and praised for being “good,” they quickly learn that if nice is good, then mean is bad. If quiet is good, then loud is bad. If politeness is good, then whining is bad. If conflict is bad, then submitting to please others is good. If making others uncomfortable is bad, then suppressing my own discomfort is good. If expressing anger is bad, then feigning “fineness” is good.
It’s no wonder how young girls then become adults who struggle with people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, and standing up for themselves.
Journal Prompts
One. Write about the earliest memory you have of being praised for being “good” or “easy to handle.” How did that moment shape the way you silence or second-guess yourself today?
Two. Write about a time you wanted something different than what was expected of you—what happened when you chose (or didn’t choose) your own way?
Side note: Need a few tips for starting a journal practice? This is my favorite way to build an effective journaling practice that no one talks about — it’s a game changer.
Fear of Disapproval and Rejection
In addition to conditioning girls to be “good,” society also trains them to value belonging over authenticity. Rather than look inward for guidance on how to live, women outsource their power to external sources - experts, influencers, authority figures, anyone who seems a teeny bit more competent than them, anyone who speaks with a teeny bit more conviction than them - in so many areas of life:
What career to pursue,
Where to live,
Who to date and marry,
What to eat,
How to dress,
How to exercise,
What to believe,
What to buy,
and on and on.
When I was 19 years old, I read one tiny article in a health magazine about a certain diet; that moment of being influenced by an “expert” was the catalyst for a decade-long battle with disordered eating and body image issues. I completely lost my ability to trust in my own ability to tell me when and how to eat and move my body. The fear of being seen as having anything other than the “ideal” body was enough to keep me utterly consumed (a pun a little intended) with food and exercise. It wasn’t until I learned how to trust myself to make healthful choices (through the incredible work of Intuitive Eating) that I began to heal.
Related: Is It Fear or Intuition? How to Tell the Difference and Begin to Hear (and Trust) Your Inner Voice
Journal Prompts
One. Write about a decision you avoided because you didn’t want to upset someone. What was the cost of protecting their comfort over your truth?
Two. Write about the kind of rejection you fear most (abandonment, criticism, judgment). How does that fear keep you from fully living in alignment?
Emotional Trauma & Gaslighting
Experiences of being dismissed, gaslit, or told “you’re too much or too sensitive” disconnect women from their intuition. A common scenario may look like this:
A young mother feels the weight of endless household tasks pressing down on her—laundry piling up, meals to plan, work deadlines looming, children needing constant care. She longs for her partner to notice her exhaustion and step in to help. One evening, summoning her courage, she gently shares how overwhelmed she feels and asks if he might take on more at home.
Instead of meeting her words with empathy, he reacts defensively—interpreting her request as criticism. He tells her she’s being too sensitive, insists she’s trying too hard to be the “perfect mom,” and even suggests she quit her job if she can’t handle everything.
Her heart sinks. Rather than feeling heard, she feels ashamed—like she’s failing as a wife, guilty for upsetting him, and torn about whether she should sacrifice her career even though the family depends on her income. In that moment, she learns a painful lesson: sharing her needs only leads to conflict and rejection. So, she tucks her desires away, silences her voice, and resolves to “just deal with it” on her own.
For someone who grew up with good girl conditioning and— at a young age— learned that the cost of speaking up feels like losing love, trust in self gets silenced.
Journal Prompts
One. Write about a time you were told you were “too much” or “too sensitive.” How has that shaped your willingness to trust what you feel?
Two. Write about one cultural or family story you inherited (about motherhood, marriage, womanhood, career, etc.). Whose voice is it really—and does it belong to you?
The Good News: Self-Trust is Never Gone, Just Buried
Here’s the truth I hope you embrace: self-trust can’t actually be lost. It’s like a flame covered in ash—still burning beneath the surface.
True healing is first about clearing away the ash (the conditioning, the icky beliefs, the wounding)— it’s not about “fixing” yourself. Because you are not broken.
Once you have a clear understanding of how your upbringing influences how you interact within the world, you can begin to rebuild trust with yourself. Start small, in everyday moments, such as choosing what to eat, what to wear, or where you spend free time. Then progress to setting boundaries around your time, energy, and resources in ways that feeling honoring to your inner self. With time and consistency, you’ll gain confidence, clarity, and connection to your true Self that is deeper and stronger than any other relationship you could have.
Journal Prompts
One. Write about the “ashes” covering your inner flame—what beliefs, fears, or voices keep you from accessing your full self-trust?
Two. Write about what your life would look like one year from now if you trusted yourself fully in every decision. How would you walk, speak, choose, and love differently?
You are not the ashes. You are the freaking flame.
Rebuilding self-trust isn’t about becoming someone new—it’s about peeling back the layers of conditioning, fear, and old stories to reconnect with the voice that has always been within you. Yes, the work is hard. Yes, it takes courage to question what you’ve been taught and to choose yourself in a world that often tells women not to. But you are not broken, and you are not alone. Every step you take to hear and honor your inner voice strengthens your confidence, your clarity, and your freedom.
Let’s walk this path together—as women who remember our wholeness, who trust our intuition, and who refuse to live small. Your self-trust is not gone—it’s waiting, ready for you to rise.
